Normally, I would wait until the end of the day to write.

However, this morning was so perfect I have to share.

The Persian and Shorty went to pick oranges this morning.

I don’t know the exact legalities of it, but since there was no angry neighbors running after them with a pitchfork, I assume it was a successful mission.

Smarty and I were in the kitchen drinking coffee and making French Toast.

I had soaked the bread in egg and cinamon last night, so between the fresh squeezed OJ and the custard like toast, needless to say it was a good way to wake up.

Oh, my g-d.

I forgot to mention that there were bagels.

From LA.

They were good, but they weren’t as good as NY bagels.

Wait, I am complaining?

There is nothing to complain about.

I woke up in paradise.

Now, I get to go back to Walmart to return the games from last night and buy new ones.

We are thinking about Monopoly with electronic banking.

I am thinking about lunch.

Then dinner.

Then the ball drop.

Normally, I would be thinking about how to cheat at Monopoly.

Damn you technology.

Waking up this morning, I was hungry.

There were so many possibilities to choose from.

Did I want pancakes?

Churros?

Eggs?

Maybe even a burger.

Nope, I decided that I wanted to eat healthy, so I opted for a can of tuna, a tomato and a cucumber.
For those of you who have been reading for a while, know that this is one of my favorite combinations, that comes and goes in spurts.

I was good, that was all I ate until I went to McDonald’s later in the afternoon.

Wait.

I thought you said you were going to eat healthy?

Yes.

That’s why I had a salad.

I even opted for the grilled chicken and not the crispy.

Then we drove to LA for the Persian’s birthday party.

It was at some wine bar.

They had Tapas.

For those of you who don’t know what that is, Tapas is Mexican for lets make these things really small and cheap so you forget that you are ordering 4 of them.

I had tomato bisque, ceasar salad, and lamb kabobs with tabbouleh cous cous.

Of course there was cheesecake for dessert.

I only had one bite because I was trying to eat healthy.

On the way home we stopped at CVS to buy a container for me to pee in.

See, I have to go to Mexico to the doctor and he wants my urine.

I know.

Why Mexico?

Why not?

A test is a test and its cheap.

By cheap I mean free.

Let’s hope he doesn’t try and sell me chicklets after I am done.

They have sugar.

And I am on a diet

Shabbat dinner was amazing.

Apparently the Persian’s father is Australian.

He likes to collect things.

And tell stories on how he got them.

I arrived early for the feast and was treated to his collection of art.

This man is something else.

You know the Dogs playing poker painting?

He has like 10 of them.

Not only that he also has the whole collection apparently.

Dogs playing poker, dogs playing tennis and my favorite, dogs on a yacht.

After the tour, I started to fill up on hummus, stuffed grape leaves, carrots, crackers, snow peas and washed it down with a coke.

Then the company started arriving.

It was one new face after another.

I met them all and thought that dinner would start soon, but I was wrong.

A few minutes after 8pm we heard the sweet sounds of La Cucaracha.

I ran outside and say a giant van in the shape of a milk bottle pull up.

The Mexican’s mom arrived.

Now we can eat.

After saying the prayers over the bread and wine the Persian’s Australian father told us how proud he was of his children and wife.

It was very touching.

Then came the food.

Salad, pumpkin fritters, lamb, meat, potatoes, veggies.

It was quite the spread and we all had fun as we talked ate and listened to music by teh famous Persian singer, blabamajahgsdy.

It was amazing.

Then came dessert.

I cannot even describe how good it was.

me and shorty sat together and had a great time.

Finally, it was time to leave.

Before we went out, however, the father showed me his special room.

As we walked down the corridors, I waited for anticipation for the surprise.

The light switch was flipped on, and I got to see the treat.

A life size talking Steve Irwin doll.

This man knows whats up.

So, I left.

Full, happy and content.

Good times.

I ate 5 meals today.

Let’s see.

I woke up after having a horrible allergy attack last night.

Basically, I didn’t sleep.

My body hurt from playing gold yesterday as well.

I know I forgot to mention it on my post, but so much has happened in the past few days, and I don’t exactly need to tell you everything I do, so lets just put the past behind us and move forward…OK?

I didn’t really play golf though.

I went to a driving range and tried my best.

But I guess my best wasn’t good enough.

I gave it my all.

You know the rest.

So back to my aching body.

I wander downstairs and wow….there are pancakes.

Yup.

With melted butter, syrup and all the fixings.

Basically, I think her mom was trying to kill me.

You see.

Where I come from pancakes are light and fluffy.

Here, they were deep fried.

So delicious though.

But anyway, as I start to eat my pancakes there was a surprise.

Shorty had made me pigs in a blanket.

I can’t complain.

She knew I would be homesick on thanksgiving so since I had told her I liked them, she actually made them from scratch.

That was good.

I settle in to watch some football and shorty went out to pick up meat for the Persian’s engagement party.

After a few minutes she comes home and says she has a present.

You won’t believe it.

Hard salami.

To be honest, it wasn’t hard.

And it wasn’t good.

But, it was just what I needed.

This shorty cares about me.

Maybe I will let her become my baby’s momma?

So then we hang out and go to dinner.

Dinner means a feast.

I get there and there is cheese, crackers, chips, salsa, veggies, dip, coffee and soda.

Of course I head straight to the dessert table and start eating brownies.

After eating so much swiss cheese, we finally get called to dinner.

Yeah, I know what your thinking.

Didn’t you just eat?

Nope.

That was the pre game.

Now for the festivities.

The turkey was off the bone so there was no drumstick to be had.

Why my family never thought of that is beyond me.

So many fights happened over those drumsticks that maybe if someone would have thought for a minute, the issues would have been resolved ages ago.

But no.

So I filled my plate with turkey, stuffing (let me tell you about this stuffing. It had raisins in it), sweet potatoes, corn soufflé, cranberry sauce (from the can…my favorite), and some other stuff I can’t remember.

After going back for seconds and checking the score of the USC game, I ascertained that I probably have diabetes.

No problem though.

I will see a doctor next week.

Dessert was out of this world.

Carrot cake, pumpkin and chocolate chip brownies, jello mold (8 layers biotches), fruit salad, chocolate covered strawberries, mousse pie and chocolate.

Some coffee to wash it down and we were good to go.

USC won, but who cares?

I am from Philly.

We head back to San Diego with 15 pounds of kosher lamb in the back of the car.

Also some brisket for later.

The drive was ok.

No eating for me, but I learned that I know every single word to every single Mariah Carey song.

We get to the Persian’s house and the butler lets us in.

He was Venezuelan or something.

After making us remove our shoes and giving us monogrammed slippers we walked into her bedroom.

The Persian was sitting there and the Mexican was doing her nails.

There was 2 people braiding her hair in the traditional braids.

It was a little intense, but it is not everyday that someone gets engaged.

Tomorrow night is the big feast.

I got on the trampoline and we all talked for a bit.

It was late though, and the Mexican hinted to us that everyone needed to go to sleep.

We walked outside together and discussed what is going to breakdown tomorrow night.

I was handed a bag of walnuts and shorty was given a bag of rice to throw at the couple in between the fish platter and the main course.

Now though, it’s time to rest.

We are back in town and getting ready to sleep.

The brisket is in the microwave and the diet plans are ready for Saturday.
‘
It’s been a great few days.

Though I am sad that I wasn’t with my family, I was happy with what I had.

It could not have been a better holiday.

Well maybe.

Next year, we will all be together.

At the Persian’s wedding.

In La Jolla.

Yup.

This place exists.

Somewhere in LA there is a coffee shop bearing that name.

I walk in there and get a cup.

“One coffee please.”

They had no idea what I ordered.

Do i want full body or medium?

I said large.

She was like no, what kind of coffee do I want.

I replied with, “Who’s on first.”

I got my coffee.

Also, I finally had a hard salami sandwich.

Not bad for the West coast.

But I digress.

I got to see the Reagen Presidential library and also found out that the inventor of the Bra Clasp is from LA.

Random.

So I get back to the house and take a nap.

Then dinner.

Brisket, potatoes, lots of ketchup, salad, bread, apple sauce, mashed potatoes, brownies, coffee, cookies.

I Love this Holiday.

Then to Starbucks.

Now finally Tums and sleep.

TURKEY TOMORROW!!

It’s name is American Girl.

I will get back to this in a minute.

So, the drive to LA was not the best.

Traffic got bad and the ADD kicked in.

However, I was driving with someone I actually wanted to be with and when she wasn’t switching songs every 25 seconds it was a pleasure.

(disclosure…I do the same things with my music)

We get to LA and go to “The Grove,” an outdoor farmers market and restaurant mecca.

I immediately bolt for the Shawarma place and order in Hebrew.

After a few blank stares, I spot the golden glint of the lady’s cross.

She had no idea what I was saying, even though all the signs were in Hebrew.

Moishe’s Village turned out to be Ahmed’s Castle.

My shorty went and got Brazilian food and so we sat down and ate.

OK.

I am lying again.

I had finished my food while she was still in line.

So we get up and start to walk around.

She tells me that I HAVE to go in this store, American Girl.

It is the sickest, scariest thing ever.

Basically it is a doll shop.

Three floors.

Here is the deal.

You buy a doll that looks like you for a 100 dollars.

Then your child and the doll get hair cuts.

Then your child and the doll get matching clothes.

Then your child and the doll drink tea and watch a show.

I AM NOT KIDDING!!

You can drop hundreds of dollars in this place.

Everyone in there looked like Jon Benet.

So we keep walking, I get coffee and then we go to the Persian’s place to take a nap.

It just so happened that the Persian’s mom was there.

It’s funny, because her mom is South African.

But trust me, this chick is straight Pers.

I go in the other bedroom which happens to be the Persian’s friend’s room.

You know her as, “The Mexican”.

The room was decorated really nicely and even had a statue of a Mariachi Band that played lullabies as you went to sleep.

So cool.

The best part though was the bed.

Temperpedic.

With Temperpedic pillows.

Best nap ever.

Then we went to Westwood for raw fish.

Our waitress was a woman named Helen, but that wasn’t her real name.

Shorty and I were joined by her college friends.

Some woman from Japan/Ireland/Pasadena and her Latin lover.

They were awesome.

I had a roll and a salad.

Then dessert.

Italian Ice Cream.

Finally, we got to the parents house and now it’s time for bed.

I can’t stop thinking of those creepy creepy dolls.

Also, I am pissed off that I didn’t think of them first.