Thanksgiving in July

I love Palm Springs.

True, it was about 120 degrees today.

Even the pool was 90.

But still, I woke up to a great homemade breakfast.

French toast and something called steel cut oatmeal.

I don’t care how it’s cut, I stayed away from that.

Lunch was burgers and hot dogs, but the best was dinner.

Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, salad and sweet potatoes.

Yum.

So good.

Then we went bowling and McDonalds for Ice cream cones.

What a great day.

On the way home, I checked the news and saw that Barack Obama was on his way to San Diego.

I think it’s funny that he is coming there as I was not in town.

Can you imagine how funny it would be if the sole purpose of his trip was to come get his nuts.

Like, my doorbell rings and there stands two secret service dudes.

I’m in my underwear scratching my balls, and Obama says to me…

“Um, David.

I hear you are selling my chocolate nuts.

I would like to say that Michelle is the only one that knows what my nuts taste like.”

Then I look at him and start laughing.

So Michelle Obama comes up the steps and slaps me.

“I want my husbands nuts back!” she yells.

Just then Shorty comes out of the room in her underwear and starts pulling Michelle Obama’s hair.

As they are fighting protecting their “man” Barack and I high five each other, grab a beer and watch.

After they are done fighting, Shorty and Michelle kiss and make up.

Barack calls me “home slice” and I call him “my ninja.”

That would be great.

But, like I said, I’m not in town.

By the way, my friend Paul Murad invited me to go to the Miss Universe pageant in Vegas tomorrow. I can’t make it, but if you are there and want to hang out with HOT chicks drop him a line and tell him I sent you.

Obama Shirts Playboy Playmates

Today was surreal to say the least.

Fox Business News, Tom Sullivan Radio show, q101 in Chicago, Chicago Sun Times and so many more.

I can only say that I am shocked that Jesse Jackson used the term that he did about Obama’s Nuts, but in this age of politics I guess nothing is as it used to be.

Shirtpoppin.com sold a bunch of Obama Shirts today.

Obama’s Chocolate Nuts sold a lot of Funny Obama Shirts and plenty of Nuts, and as for me?

Fat Jewish Guy?

I just want to make out with drunk Playboy Playmates.

And hang out with Penthouse Pets.

Thank You Jesse Jackson For Loving Obamas Nuts

I went to the dentist today.

Thought I was getting a root canal, but that’s gonna be next Wednesday.

Today was just a cleaning.

I did get some gas, however, because I am scared.

Yeah, I know I am a little baby, but still I HATE the dentist and the gas takes away the fear.

It also sent me into a world that I wish I could get back to.

I think I was hallucinating, because I thought I heard Jesse Jackson say that he wants to “Rip Obama’s Nuts Off.”

He couldn’t have said that?

Right?

I mean I was the one who talked about Obama’s Chocolate Nuts.

Not a respectable reverend like Jesse Jackson?

But apparently it wasn’t the gas.

It’s true.

Here is my version of what he said.

By the way, I made it into the Chicago Sun Times. (seriously here is the article)

The best is the last line…”An Obama spokeswoman declined comment.”

This is AMAZING!! (click on picture to read article)

Obama For Change Shirt

Shirtpoppin.com has the best Barack Obama Clothing in the world.

But, that’s not why I am writing today.

I want to talk about the stupid stuff you see in the Sky Mall catalog.

Granted, I could spend 100,000 dollars in that catalog and still not be happy.

I want that submarine, and the pool flotation devices with built in laptop cradle.

I don’t even have a pool.

I still want that lounge though.

But the thing that irks me the most is those Steinhausen Watches.

They claim to be the world’s best watch.

Old Swiss craftsmanship with new world technology, they boast.

The watches look pretty cool.

They claim that they are handmade with the same care and craftsmanship of the Swiss.

They ooze luxury.

But then you look at the price.

How much?

10 grand?

15 grand?

7 grand?

Nope.

99 bucks.

Huh?

I don’t get it.

Explain please.

I am in San Francisco today with my two brothers.

Guess what?

I am also wearing Barack Obama Clothing.

Nope, it’s not an Obama for Change shirt from shirtpoppin.com.

It’s an Obama’s Chocolate Nuts shirt.

Remember those?

I love Obama’s Chocolate Nuts!

However, my diabetes doesn’t.

Sugar today… 130

Happy Birthday America.

I have Diabetes.

And you don’t.

Well, maybe you do, but lets be honest, this is about me right now.

Woke up this morning and made some fried chicken.

Then had a handful of Obama’s Chocolate Balls and washed it down with some club soda.

Drove to the doctor’s office and was 30 minutes late because I got lost.

I wasn’t happy.

Little did I know my weekend was about to be ruined.

Life as I know it is about to change.

The doctor comes in the room and starts to go over my blood work.

High cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood sugar, high blood pressure, etc.

You get the point.

By chance, a drug rep was in the office and by chance he was the rep for Vytorin.

The doctor asked me if he could share my case with the guy and I said yes.

Maybe I can be in a commercial.

Anyway, the rep looked over my blood work and decided that, "why yes, I should be on Vytorin"

So then the doctor calls me into his office and tells me the news.

I have diabetes.

Not that pussy pre-diabetic kind either.

I am in stage 1.

But, we caught it early, so that’s ok.

Got some more drugs, which thankfully were not pushed upon me by a rep.

Amazingly, he took the time to talk to me for an hour explaining what we are going to do.

I lost interest in one minute and started text messaging.

Somewhere along the line, I heard something about losing a foot.

At that point I started paying attention again.

Anyway, I got my prescriptions, scheduled my follow up appointment and got in the car.

Drove straight to 7-11 and ate a 1/4 pound Big Bite.

I needed comfort.

Then, I wen to the pharmacy, where I proceeded to tell the guy behind the counter that, "I have diabetes." He didn’t seem to care.

As I was waiting for the drugs to be ready, I walked next door and ate some sushi.

Dynamite roll, tuna roll, seaweed salad.

Then I picked up the drugs and went home.

Shorty was waiting for me, very upset and concerned about me.

I was just tired.

We left to go away for the weekend.

When we stopped for a smoke break, I bought some Mike and Ikes.

I will miss them.

Finally we got to her Uncle’s house and went to diner.

I had a salad.

And.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

A Ribeye Steak.

Now, I am sitting on the couch, contemplating the future.

I’m just gonna eat all the yummy foods I want over the weekend and Monday morning I will start fresh with salads, yogurt and healthy foods.

One last hurrah.

That’s all I want.

So, as of Monday, join me daily for my new take on life and let’s take the Die out of Diabetes together.

SpikeTV Courtney Hansen Loves Fat Jewish Guy Funny Obama T Shirts

Boot Camp For Your Mind.

I definitely need a break.

It was raining in San Diego today.

Strange because it’s summer.

Weirder because I normally love the rain.

Well, only when it’s cold and miserable outside.

But, it was hot and wet today and that made me feel like I was crawling through the Delta trying to find Saddam.

Or something like that.

I thought about the past week.

SpikeTV awards, Playboy Mansion, Obama’s Chocolate Nuts, Assaf Cohen, Spider Silva, Courtney Hansen and the NY strip steak I left in the microwave.

Damn.

I tried to defrost it and accidentally hit 2.5 pounds.

Now I have prime rib, only using crappy New York Strip.

Oh well.

Back to me.

I’m just tired.

True, phentermine is great and all, but it would be nice to sleep for more then 6 hours.

As I pondered life while eating a watermelon, (A mini one, Shorty got it for me) I think to the future.

Doctors appointment on Friday.

High Blood Sugar, Blood Pressure and Cholesterol is gonna make for a GREAT weekend of fun.

So, while I still have my health, I’m gonna enjoy some fried chicken for dinner.

YUM!

Anderson Spider Silva Loves Fat Jewish Guy Hot Girls in Bikinis
So, I wake up, still tired from the night before, but after a quick phentermine pick me up I was good to go.

Apparently gas prices are so high, that Hot Model Kira called me and asked if we could shoot today so she wouldn’t have to waste gas on another trip.

Personally, I took offense to this.

I don’t think being in an Obama’s Chocolate Nuts Video would be considered a waste of anything.

Anyway, so Kira comes over and we shoot for four hours.

I can’t tell you what just yet, but it’s definitely sexy, funny, hot and involves food.

Anyway, she left and I got tired again.

Decided against taking another shot of speed and just let my body fall into a deep sleep.

Yeah right.

An hour later I was at P.F. Chang’s with shorty splitting an order of Chicken and Beef Fried Rice.

I love phentermine.

Check out this interview with UFC fighter and SpikeTV’s “Worlds Most Dangerous Man,” Anderson Spider Silva.

Hot Bikini Girl Loves Obama’s Nuts

Kira is holding Obama’s Chocolate Nuts in this hilarious and sexy video. As Barack Obama is about to clinch the nomination, let’s all join forces and get Obama’s Chocolate Nuts in our mouth! ObamasChocolateNuts.com, gourmet Nuts and funny T Shirts.

SpikeTV Awards Red Carpet Celebrity Interviews

Thursday night I finally got the email.

It was the credentials for the SpikeTV awards.

Damn, now I needed a camera man and a sexy assistant.

Well, the camera man I knew and sexy assistant was a no-brainer.

Kira.

It was all arranged, I was meeting Kira at noon and we were going to drive up to LA together.

We met the next day, I had three outfits ready and she had about seven.

The drive up to LA was good except for the last 5 miles which insanely took over an hour to drive due to LA Friday traffic.

Finally, we arrived at the Persian’s house and after a quick 5 minute changing session we were back in the car headed for Sony Studios.

Hold on.

I stopped at 7-11 and had two hot dogs.

Kira looked amazing in her tight jeans and Obama’s Chocolate Nuts T - Shirt.

I looked…

Well, you decide for yourself.

We parked the car, walked down 5 flights of stairs and picked up the credentials.

The red carpet which was actually yellow was waiting.

Amber Lee Ettinger (Obama Girl), was hosting the red carpet and we said hello as we settled into our spot.

ON 21.

That meant we were 21st in line.

The back.

Like Rosa Parks, we tried to battle our way to the front of the line, but unlike that champion of civil rights, we decided not to cause trouble and stay where we were.

The celebrities started coming, first in a trickle and then in a downpour.

It didn’t seem like an hour but finally we heard the magic words.

Carpet closed.

The camera man said goodbye and Kira and I were escorted into the event.

Backstage I saw McLovin on his cell phone, Ben Stiller and Jack Black having a conversation and some bands prepping for their appearance.

They had food.

Free food.

Free gourmet food.

But, after downing 3 taquitos they were out by the time I wanted to go for seconds.

Settling for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I was actually happy.

Hadn’t had one of those in years.

The awards ended and that’s when the fun started.

Tune in tomorrow for the Playboy Mansion story.

New Celebrity interviews all week.

But today please enjoy a few highlights from the red carpet at the SpikeTV awards.

Assaf Cohen, Courtney Hansen, Lin Shaye, Bill Burr, Anderson Silva, Factory, Markie Post, Manswer girls and a hilarious Russell Brand talking about Obama’s Chocolate Nuts!

New Obama’s Chocolate Nuts commercial

Obamas Chocolate Nuts Are Tasty

Back to normal.

No more Chantix in my system and what a great day it was.

Got a haircut, a Jamba Juice and some sushi.

Yeah… that’s all I ate.

But I was busy.

Check out ObamasChocolateNuts.com and tell me what you think.

Anyway, big day tomorrow.

Can’t exactly spill the beans.

Don’t want to jinx it.

Lets just say there is a red carpet involved.