What a day.

It started out with cold pizza. (you would think that would make it a good day.)

Yes, the pizza from last night was waiting for me as I got out of bed this morning.

Two slices, some garlic bread and coffee makes for a great breakfast.

Then, I got to work.

Getting up a website is hard work, so getting up 4 websites, you can imagine is pretty impossible.

I channeled my best Ari Gold as I told some developer in Connecticut that I would, “Skull Fuck” him if he didn’t get my site done in the next few hours.

Then I sat down to watch some good old fox news.

Guess what?

Obama Girl was on.

Yup, the same Obama Girl who I was working on their website.

I knew that shit was about to hit the fan and sure enough, 4 hours later, I was finally off the phone and admiring my work.

Want to see it?

barelypolitical.com/

Then, I got an egg salad sandwich.

And chip.

And these Hawaiian Luau Onion Rings I love.

And a Nestle’s Crunch Bar.

Oh yeah, some more coffee as well.

So, want to see Obama Girl on Bill O’Reilly?

Obama Girl on Bill Oreilly

Before you call me racist, please note that I didn’t say this.

Al Qaeda did.

(article is here)

Yup, some genus over in Afghanistan decided to go racial on president elect Barack Obama.

In an audio tape, Al-Quaida spokesman Ayman al-Zawahri claims that Obama is no Malcolm X and is a “House Negro” who does what the white man does.

He then went on to say that Obama’s Lips are so big he uses speed stick as chap-stick.

Then Al-Quaida spokesman Ayman al-Zawahri started making fun of Barack Obama’s mother, with these statements.

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, she slid a phone down her pants to make a booty call!

Barack Obama’s mama is house is so dirty, she has to wipe her feet to go outside!

Barack Obama’s mama is so old, i told her to act her age , and the bitch dropped dead!

Barack Obama’s mama is so dumb, i said it was chilly outside, and she ran out with a spoon!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid,she tried to steal money from an ATM with her own credit card!

Barack Obama’s mama is so black, when she gets in the car,the oil light comes on!

Barack Obama’s mama is so cross-eyed she saw a dime, and picked up 2 nickels!

Barack Obama’s mama is like a school bus, she takes 20 at a time!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, she got stabbed at a shootout!

Barack Obama’s mama is so loose, she did the splits and gave the floor a hickey!

Barack Obama’s mama is so dumb, she thought menopause was a button on the vcr!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, she was yelling in an envelope trying to do voice mail!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, she got locked in the bathroom and shit her pants!

Barack Obama’s mama is so black, she jumped in the ocean and people thought it was an oil spill!

Barack Obama’s mama is like 1-800-collect, fast, easy, and 10 cents a minute!

Your mama sucks so much dick, her tongue came down with jock-itch!

Barack Obama’s mama is glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she sees people waving at her!

Barack Obama’s mama is like a toilet, short, fat, and full of shit!

Barack Obama’s mama is so black, at night the the motion lights dont come on!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid,she asked me what jeans i was wearing, , and i said “Guess” and she said, Levis?

Your mama aint got no ears talkin’ bout , i hear you!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order!

Barack Obama’s mama is so clumsy, she tripped on a cordless phone!

Barack Obama’s mama is so dumb, she failed a blood test!

Your mama;s so old, she was a waitress at the last supper!

Barack Obama’s mama is got no leg, talkin’ bout, Lets go to I.H.O.P!

Barack Obama’s mama is house is so small, i opened the front door and fell off the back steps!

Barack Obama’s mama is head is so big, it shows up on radar!

Barack Obama’s mama is so old, she went to the prom with moses!

Barack Obama’s mama is so hairy, she has to part her asshairs to take a shit!

Barack Obama’s mama is so dumb, her teacher siad to do an essay, and she went and fucked a mexican!

Barack Obama’s mama is so dumb, she thought MCI was a rap group!

Barack Obama’s mama is so ghetto, she thought “the last supper” was when your family ran out of food stamps!

Your mama aint got no neck, talkin’ bout she all choked up!

Barack Obama’s mama is like a reese’s peanut butter cup, theres no wrong way to eat her!

Barack Obama’s mama is like burger king, Have it your way!

Barack Obama’s mama is idea of safe sex, is to put the car in park!

Barack Obama’s mama is so old, she has jesus christ trading cards!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, she brought toilet paper to a craps game!

Youyr mama’s so slutty, i said, “heads or tails?” and she said i’ll give both!

Barack Obama’s mama is so stupid, i asked her what comes after 69, and she said, “mouthwash!”

Your mama sucks dick so hard, i had to pull the sheets out of my ass!

Barack Obama’s mama is so dumb, she said “meet me at the corner of walk, and dont walk”

Barack Obama’s mama is so black, she sweats chocolate syrup!

Barack Obama’s mama is teeth are so yellow, she spits butter!

Barack Obama’s mama is so slutty, she bought a short skirt, and heads were like, Nice belt!

Barack Obama’s mama is so nasty, she did the splits and stuck to the floor!

Barack Obama’s mama is so black, its illegal for her to play hide and seek at night!

I pity Al-Quaid now.

No one goes racial on my President!

Lost in all of the news about Barack Obama, the tie football game and America’s obesity problem, there was a great news story yesterday and if you blinked you missed it.

The head of the Jewish mafia was killed yesterday in Israel.

Now, I know that when we speak of the Jewish Mafia, most people consider that Hollywood.

You are correct in thinking that, but this is the other Jewish Mafia.

This is the Israeli, protection racket, drug smuggling mafia.

While this mafia is just as vicious as the Italians and the Russians, they are much smarter.

Why?

Glad you asked.

In “South Philly” the Italians will come to you and try and extort you for money.

You either pay them or something bad happens.

But, cash is traceable and most of them get caught.

How do the Jews do it?

Instead of asking for money from bars and restaurants, they ask for recyclables.

Yup.

Bottles and cans.

Sounds stupid right?

It isn’t.

Recycling from bars and restaurants is currently a 5 million dollar a year industry.

Lets look at America for a minute.

I can get a 12 pack of coke at the market for 2 bucks when they have a good sale.

At 5 cents a can, my deposit is .60 cents.

Doesn’t sound like a lot until you realize that .60 cents is over 25% of my purchase price.

So, The Jewish Mafia in Israel is running a protection racket that gives them between 10 and 20 percent of a bar or clubs income and here is the best part.

It’s untraceable.

I am so proud to be Jewish today!

The Jewish Mafia

How the hell do you tie a game?

Seriously?

Against the Bengals?

Really?

The Bengals?

Shame on you.

The BENGALS?

No Crying in Baseball No Ties in Football

For those of you not within reach of an In and Out, then the above phrase means nothing to you.

For those of you vegetarians, this phrase might as well go over your head.

But, those who are in the know are smiling right about now.

I had one of these today with a diet coke and fries.

It was only 4 bucks and change.

I also had a banana tart and some mouse.

Then went for dinner.

Tuna Takaki at Cheesecake Factory.

Simply great.

Double Meat Animal Style

Cause she is so freaking hot.

Seriously, these pictures were just released of her sitting by the pool during the Republican Governors Convention in Florida this week.

I wish I was there.

I would walk right up to her and start talking.

She would be like, wow your cute, lets go upstairs to my room.

Then she would be like, wait, are you Jewish?

I would ask her how she knew and she would say that she could see my horns.

Then we would laugh as she told me that I was going to burn in hell.

But, the whole time I would be starring at those amazing legs of hers.

Must be the mayo?

(for over 12 amazing Sarah Palin Pictures, just click on the thumbnail below)

Why I Love Sarah Palin

Today was HOT.

First I woke up to sirens and a 8.5 magnitude earthquake.

People were yelling, screaming and the carnage was incredible.

Then I found out the whole thing was fake.

Seriously, I kid you not, they freaking faked an earthquake.

I almost had a heart attack, being jolted out of bed, thinking I was gonna die.

It was like they punked the whole state.

Speaking of punked, I headed over to LA to do a “screen test” for a reality show.

For those of you who are not familiar with the entertainment industry, this is where you show up at a casting office and a big fat guy with a mustache and body oder asks you “what are you willing to do for this part,” and then you have to make a decision and hope that he is circumcised.

I was determined to get this part, so imagine my surprise when coming to get me was the hottest blonde girl I have ever seen.

I mean she was awesome, almost 6 foot tall, well dressed and seemed like she would be a lot of fun.

At this point, I was like like, I wonder if there is going to be a fat man with a mustache waiting for me in the other room.

There wasn’t and I was escorted into a room, where I was told to take off my clothes and wait.

I did and the casting director came in with her assistant, who was just as hot, but had long brown hair.

What followed was caught on camera.

Ok, none of that happened.

See how pissed off you are to find out that this whole story was fake?

Now you know how I feel when they FREAKING LIED to me that there was an earthquake.

I wake up on my birthday and check my phone for messages.

Aunt?

Check.

Grandma?

Check.

But, no mother.

Worried, I make myself a bowl of cereal and checked my email.

Mom wrote me.

Dear son,

I wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday, but I took my phone to Verizon to install the bluetooth and now it doesn’t work.

I will call you later.

Love,

Mom.

As soon as I read that, I started laughing.

This is what happened.

She went to get the bluetooth installed and then tried calling me without having the bluetooth in her ear, so she thought the phone didn’t work, yet it totally was, but she didn’t know it.

Anyway, I went on with my day and drove to Pasadena to spend my birthday night.

On the way, I got a call from mom and sure enough that was the issue.

We laughed a little and then came the barrage of question.

Dave, how can I answer the phone without opening it?

Dave, can I close the phone once I answer it?

Dave, How do I hang up the phone?

Dave, can I answer the phone from the earpiece?

Then came the best line ever.

She told me she was going to the market and planned to leave the phone in her car and just walk around with the earpiece.

I told her it didn’t work that way and teh phone needed to be within 20 feet of her, and she was shocked.

Apparently, when she sees other people walking around with bluetooth in their ear, she didn’t realise that the phone was somewhere on their body.

Anyway, I love my mom and one day she will learn, however this gave me an idea.

Why not make a bluetooth earpiece that is an actual phone.

Not for outgoing calls, but just for incoming  calls that you would need to take.

For example, you are at the gym on a treadmill, (obviously not a situation I would ever be in) you wouldn’t want a whole phone on you, but you would want to be able to answer the phone in case your kid called you to tell you that they broke their little brother’s collar bone while “play” wrestling.

(this never happened by the way and my brother’s collar bone breaking was a mistake)

You would totally want an earpiece that you could answer.

I think the reason they haven’t made one is because you would get brain cancer.

But, you would always be connected.

It’s all about sacrifices.

How Bluetooth Works

So, the economy sucks.

Every day I read about more and more companies going out of business and more and more people losing their jobs.

But, who cares.

It’s my birthday.

Shorty got me Dolce and Gabbana cologne and one of those old fashion shaving kits.

I love the smell.

I’m actually wearing it right now.

Smelling myself while writing this blog.

I smell so nice.

Who knew that luxury came in a glass bottle.

Makes me want to put on a power suit, slick back my hair, whiten my teeth, and go on Wall Street.

Wait.

Wall Street is nowhere to be right now looking and smelling like a million bucks.

You might get indicted.

I May Be Fat But I Smell Nice

I’ll get to my latest obsession in a moment, but first I need to talk about Tic Tacs for a second.

Yeah, Tic Tacs, those delicious candys that come in a small plastic box.

So, as we all know, I have diabetes.

But, just because I have diabetes doesn’t mean that I don’t want something sweet from time to time.

I was at a gas station today and I saw some tic tacs.

I was definitly prudent and I checked to see how many grams of sugar it had.

The box said zero, so I bought it and proceeded to eat the whole box.

Then, I was at the market and saw that they were on sale, 2 for a buck.

Just as I was going to pay, I got yelled at by Shorty.

She told me that Tic Tacs had sugar in them and I smiled when I told her that they didn’t.

To prove it to her, I took the box and showed her that they had zero grams of sugar in them.

Then she took the box and showed me that the first ingredient was sugar.

Here is the scam.

They are so small, that if you take grams of sugar as a percentage then there is zero.

But, if you eat the whole box like me, then there is like 20 grams of sugar in this.

So, now Tic Tacs are off my list of things I can eat.

This definitely made me sad.

But, then I got happy again real quick.

Have you heard of the Internet phenomenon Super Pear Girls?

This chicks are awesome.

Not sure who finds them attractive, probably black guys, but the fact that this is a growing movement makes me happy.

By the way for the sexy pictures of Adrienne Bailon visit Daily Tush.

Super Pear Girl